This is a short story that wrote it quite some time ago. It is both a homage to and parody of modern western ideas regarding vampires and takes the form of a mock "Agony Aunt" newspaper / magazine column.

Dear Aunt Augry,

My girlfriend is starting to really piss me off!

We have only been together for five months but I always thought she was 'the one'. She’s a lot younger than me (but that didn’t seem to be a problem before). She’s petite and slender with beautiful blonde hair and bright blue eyes, and a perfect body; great tits, firm ass, and a tight little *expletive removed by editor*. Her looks are not an issue. Her problem is with her personality.

She always had unusual sexual obsessions. First it was knives, then being tied up. I indulged her fantasies as much as I could and eventually she would turn to something else. Until her obsession with vampires.

I blame Anne Rice. And that bloody 'World of Darkness' roleplaying game.

I tried to talk her out of it. I kept pointing out that these vampire stories weren’t real - that reality was never as clean, romantic and appealing as fantasy. I tried to persuade her to stop reading books by the likes of Anne Rice and Laurel K. Hamilton. I tried to get her to read Brahm Stoker, even Brian Lumley. She wasn’t having any of it. I drew her attention to unsavoury historical characters that have inspired tales of vampirism such as Vlad the Impaler and the Baroness Orczy, but to no avail.

Every night I met her she’d go on about vampires. She kept going on about how cool it would be to be a vampire. To be immortal, to be able to mesmerise the opposite sex, to drink blood, blah, blah, blah. She even took to wearing fake fangs. In the end I snapped. I told her if she really wanted to know what it was like to be a vampire I’d make her one. She was sceptical, of course, but as far as she knew this was just a little bit of turn-on role-play for her so she went along with it. The look on her face when I actually bit into her breast and sucked her blood was priceless.

After I drained her dry and then gave her my blood in return I let her sleep. She recuperated quite quickly so her DNA obviously took to the toxin quite well.

Which brings me to the present problem. The ungrateful bitch does nothing but moan now. 'I can't sun bathe anymore,' she says. 'Where's the cool teeth you promised me?' she says. 'Why am I always cold? Why am I always thirsty?' The only time she doesn’t complain is when she’s feeding. Then she’s just irritating. 'No. Not her, I want that one over there!' (Never mind the fact that her choice of victim is part of a hen night party). 'I want him!' (Him being a respected policeman).

When she feeds it’s disgusting. She has no manners at all. She just gives in to the hunger and doesn’t stop until all that is left is a desiccated corpse. It’s getting more and more difficult to hide the bodies!

Please advise me on what to do. I still love her but she’s driving me insane. If she doesn’t quit soon I’m going to have to cut her head off and burn it.



Augry replies:

Stake the bitch. She has no right to put the masquerade in jeopardy. You have done a very stupid thing and broken a cardinal rule of the masquerade. Expect several members of the kindred to come knocking on your door any time now!